the actual love of my life

I'm not really sure how my Sultry Singer hasn't yet come up in this blog. He has, afterall, been in my life now for... 8 years?

The really quick background: (this is going to be incredible difficult because similar to Ryan, our relationship has been incredibly frustrating and complicated) When I was a sophomore in high school and a measily 15 years old I began dating Jon. He was in a local band, I fell into the local band scene, hung out with all the local band guys, was around a lot of older guys, doing things that were way beyond my maturity level, seeing things I shouldn't be seeing but totally being accepted by the coolest (or so I thought) people in my city. It was great. I went on tours with the bands (a few were picked up by Universal). I was always backstage at the hottest concerts (my friends were very jealous). I snuck out on school nights to smoke and drink and sit on porches and play acoustic sing a longs for hours. I lied to my parents during the summers about where I was going for 3 days, 5 days, 10 days. I'd go camping with them, I'd go to different states for shows. It was my own version of Almost Famous.

So Jon was just Jon and he was my boyfriend but we were on and off for the 2nd year of our relationship and I started seeing the guitarist of the HOTTEST and most popular of the local bands (one that was picked up by Universal). I think I fell for the guitarist because I knew he was into me and I knew I could get even more in with their crowd (I was already really close to them) but truth was and I've since come to accept this, I feel for Jake because I was head over heels in love with the lead singer... he shall be called my Sultry Singer.

He's incredible. Always has been, always will be. I had heard things here and there about him having an innocent crush on me, but come on when I'm 15 and he's 21 and I'm in high school pretending to be a rocker band girlfriend and he actually IS a badass rock guy... innocent crushes won't get you too far.

So my love for him went fairly unrecognized (except by Jon, of course... he picked up on that right away and has yet to forgive me).

On one of our camping trips I made out with SS... it was out of a fucking movie. I had gone along on the trip with Jake's but as usual he was drunk and passed out in the tent by like 8pm (later fixed that problem in rehab). SS and I drifted away from the camp site after far too many joints and a lot of alcohol and sat on the most beautiful beach looking over a perfectly still lake that was of course, like a movie, lit up by a full moon and we talked... for hours and hours and hours. I should have figured out that night that he actually cared about me more than I thought, but I didn't figure that out until last year. On our walk back from the beach we were high and drunk and spinning around in this little clearing, I kid you not, literally spinning around laughing like stoned hippies and we came together and made out under a full moon. I then crawled into the tent with Jake and have still never stopped dreaming about SS.

That was 7 years ago probably. Since then a lot has happend. I've beaten an eating disorder, experienced the death of my brother, encountered endless family problems, a pretty serious drug habit and the list goes on. One person who has always inexplicably been there for me? SS. No one really knew how close we stayed over the years. He moved around the country with the band. I went to college. But we always came home for holidays, summers, random weekends here and there, and occasionally we saw each other. But even when we didn't see each other for months, we always were in touch.

I know this is a silly, cliche thing to say, but SS understands me more than any other guy I've met. More than Zach or Todd or any of my serious boyfriends. He's called me out on all the random things that I thought I kept hidden pretty well - how I feel about relationships and what I need - little things that I've finally figured out about myself, he'll bring up and I just think "how did you know that?" He nails everything about me right on the head.

And every time we are together, we have the most intense and just perfect days. THe last time I saw him was Christmas '08. We had breakfast a tiny harbor on the coast and walked along the beach for over an hour. We walked out onto a 1/4 mile long breakwater and just sat and talked about everything. Christmas '08 was when he came out and told me that he's basically felt the exact same things that I have... for the past 8 fucking years.

When we were younger he told me I reminded him of his first girlfriend. And the way he always said that I took it as such an insult like oh great, you hate her now so you'll nevercare about me. For 8 years I had held on to that one kiss of ours, and thought that would be my only memory of SS. A lot has happened since then.

To hear him say those things to me over Christmas, literally broke my heart.

It was like, for 8 years I've wanted ot hear these things, and now you tell me this? NOW when you live on the other fucking side of the country? NOW when you have a fucking girlfriend. WHY in the world would he tlel me these things when he has a girlfriend?



Anyways, we still talk every once in awhile. Normally saying ridiculous things about how I can't get him out of my mind or he'll say something like "you looked stunning last night, just thought you should know."



Today he texted me the following, I was responding the whole time but here are some of the good ones:

I had the longest and most vivid dream last night, about you

It's hard to explain, it was just a day. But I can't shake it

It was like our day in the harbor, but more.

This dream was so real, I feel like I was just with you.

It was so fun, I want another one.

Goodness, I want to see you

Will we ever be in the same city?

I hate that I've never been able to get over him. I feel like I never will. He talks about writing songs about me, and how he can't get my blue eyes out of his mind and how I always look beautiful when he sees me. He has the most contagious smile and the most incredible voice.

I don't even know anymore if he's my type. Like in an ideal world if he were single and in the same city as me, would I be able to date him? He always says that we would, but I don't know. Maybe after so many years of wanting to be with him, I've just grown to love the idea of him.

I don't think so though. I think he really is the love of my life, and will always be that damned bastard who got away.

At least there are a few songs out there that you may or may not hear, that welp, are about me.

a draft from Thursday

Whoops, somehow this never got posted?

One way to ensure all your staff will actually come to your monthly meeting?

Come bearing treats.

Today it's cupcakes. Last month it was lemon meringue cake/pie.

This is lovely, and of course I'll eat a cupcake if everyone else is doing it... but our staff meetings are at 9:30 am. I feel like they're pumping us full of sugar like a 5 year old before kindergarten. Never a good idea when productivity is your day's goal.

German lover boy called me last night. Seems trivial right? Well, you're wrong. Remember that we have been communicated via COMPUTERS for the past half a year. Of course I knew him in college, but we never were actually pursuing one another's attention at that time, so this is big. And I loved it. I loved his voice (fucking dreaaaaamy) and it was just so easy to talk to him. Of course I was giddy for hours.

More in a few hours.

Cupcake time.

A little too late now that I've actually hung out with Pete but whatever.

the first encounter

Well, the first encounter since our last encounter.

I met up with German Lover Boy last night. Poor Precious Pete is just no longer doing it for me. This is old news, I know.

So yeah, last night was German Lover Boy - he needs a new name by the way, since he's no longer in Germany, and he's not German either, he's a straight up American guy, but whatever. It was his first night out in the city since he got home last week!! And I knew he wanted to meet up and I was wicked excited obviously, like freaking out excited, but I had this terrible feeling in the back of my mind that we just wouldn't be able to get our shit together. He was going to a bar on the opposite side of the city and I didn't think I'd be able to convince my friends to go there.

Well I diiiiiiiid obviously and it was fabulous. Even though he's not as attractive as I've built him up to be (in my head, over the last year) he was so fucking adorable, like still a hot guy. I didn't like his hair, at all, but I have to stop being so damn picky and judgemental... at SOOOOME point.

Unlike Precious Pete, I did NOT bring him home or go home with him... and we didn't even kiss! Definitely would have had he tried, but he didn't and I love it! He was there for like 5 different birthdays and he had a ton of friends from home who he hadn't seen since he'd come home and I totally understood (and enjoyed) that we didn't spend the whole night dancing or making out in the corner. Not that I do that. And I really don't like dancing all night. I hate sweating.

So we spent just the right amount of time together, it was great, my friends loved him, I loved him, he made me laugh, he saw that I'm fun and awesome (haha just kidding) and when he was saying goodbye he was like: "Well can I come in sometime this week and see you?"

Uhhh do you seriously think you need to ask? Hello, if I had some balls I'd tell him to get his (very nice looking) ass into the city TOMORROW and hang out with me on Columbus day!

But I doubt that will happen...

And it gets better.

Despite the fact that I sent him a text message after the bars closed pretty much insinuated that I wanted him to come home with me (did you really think I made it through the whole night without potentially making a fool of myself???) ... HE CALLED ME THIS MORNING!

When I was laying in bed moaning, whining and trying not to vomit - I also had my sappy music playing extremely loud becuase I was trying not to avoid hearing my roommate have morning sex - my phone rang and it was him!

My first thought was oh my god what did I do last night that is mkaing him call, is he calling to say he hates me ? That I'm an idiot? That I lost my dignity and he had found it somewhere laying in the street?

Oh no, nice, amazing Pete just called to say good morning!

The end.

what's a dream tell you?

I had a dream about a penis last night. I don't know whose it was, but it was big. I literally never saw a face, or a body or heard a voice. As most dreams go, I don't really remember what happened in the dream and it was that weird feeling like, Wait, was that real? No? Okay, hmm, well, no. No. Okay phew. I have to admit that normally the ever dreadful 'wait did that really happen last night or was I dreaming' feeling occurs only on a weekend morning after a long night of intoxication and dancing on tables... When this image entered my mind this morning, on the train going to work, I was a little shocked and a little confused and uugh, wait what?

But I'll take it. It was a big penis afterall. If only I could remember what it was doing in my dream, well then I'd be a bit happier. For now I'm left picturing this (I'm kind of thinking it was my high school ex Zach) and wondering whyyy oh why I had such a mysteriously vague sexual dream.

I think my mind, heart and vajayjay are gaining forces and telling me to get out there and get some action.

But then THAT stream of thought reminds me of what I was thinking about walking home from work yesterday. Before this dream.

I was walking down the street thinking of what the conversation might look like with Precious Pete or German Lover Boy - that is if this conversation ever came up - about how I'm just so sick of hooking up.

(I get it, I still do it - whatever)

But really, I was venting in my imaginary conversation with my potential suitors (Pete and Pete) and I was just going on and on about how I've convinced myself that I'm ready to settle down. (Waaah? I'm 22...) Not ready to get married, but ready to find someone who is more than a hook up, not even just a drunk one night thing, but I'm ready to find someone who is more than a 3 month dating thing.. I want to meet a looooooooove. Someone who is ready to be serious. But then I'm reminded of all the people who have, rightfully so, told me that I'm not ready to be serious.

See I change my stance on this every other day. Some days I totally agree that I'm too young to be tied down and that I need to enjoy being on my own and really "savor the 'me' time." But the every other damn day, I'm lonely and on serious couple alert, hating couples that I see, miserable that I can't keep a guy in my life for more than a weekend and totally pissed at myself for sleeping with guys as if that will make them stick around.

Anyways, German Lover Boy is no longer in Germany. He's home, in the wonderful U S of A and we have progressed from Facebook talking and AIM to... text messages (hey it's a start isn't it?). And there is some new news on Precious Pete but seeing that it is 10:48a and I haven't started doing actual work yet, I suppose I'll get to those details later.

Until next time
ciao.

i swear i would never

The new Executive Director / CEO / President, whaaatever his official title may be, is gorgeous.

Oh boy, oh no.