the actual love of my life

I'm not really sure how my Sultry Singer hasn't yet come up in this blog. He has, afterall, been in my life now for... 8 years?

The really quick background: (this is going to be incredible difficult because similar to Ryan, our relationship has been incredibly frustrating and complicated) When I was a sophomore in high school and a measily 15 years old I began dating Jon. He was in a local band, I fell into the local band scene, hung out with all the local band guys, was around a lot of older guys, doing things that were way beyond my maturity level, seeing things I shouldn't be seeing but totally being accepted by the coolest (or so I thought) people in my city. It was great. I went on tours with the bands (a few were picked up by Universal). I was always backstage at the hottest concerts (my friends were very jealous). I snuck out on school nights to smoke and drink and sit on porches and play acoustic sing a longs for hours. I lied to my parents during the summers about where I was going for 3 days, 5 days, 10 days. I'd go camping with them, I'd go to different states for shows. It was my own version of Almost Famous.

So Jon was just Jon and he was my boyfriend but we were on and off for the 2nd year of our relationship and I started seeing the guitarist of the HOTTEST and most popular of the local bands (one that was picked up by Universal). I think I fell for the guitarist because I knew he was into me and I knew I could get even more in with their crowd (I was already really close to them) but truth was and I've since come to accept this, I feel for Jake because I was head over heels in love with the lead singer... he shall be called my Sultry Singer.

He's incredible. Always has been, always will be. I had heard things here and there about him having an innocent crush on me, but come on when I'm 15 and he's 21 and I'm in high school pretending to be a rocker band girlfriend and he actually IS a badass rock guy... innocent crushes won't get you too far.

So my love for him went fairly unrecognized (except by Jon, of course... he picked up on that right away and has yet to forgive me).

On one of our camping trips I made out with SS... it was out of a fucking movie. I had gone along on the trip with Jake's but as usual he was drunk and passed out in the tent by like 8pm (later fixed that problem in rehab). SS and I drifted away from the camp site after far too many joints and a lot of alcohol and sat on the most beautiful beach looking over a perfectly still lake that was of course, like a movie, lit up by a full moon and we talked... for hours and hours and hours. I should have figured out that night that he actually cared about me more than I thought, but I didn't figure that out until last year. On our walk back from the beach we were high and drunk and spinning around in this little clearing, I kid you not, literally spinning around laughing like stoned hippies and we came together and made out under a full moon. I then crawled into the tent with Jake and have still never stopped dreaming about SS.

That was 7 years ago probably. Since then a lot has happend. I've beaten an eating disorder, experienced the death of my brother, encountered endless family problems, a pretty serious drug habit and the list goes on. One person who has always inexplicably been there for me? SS. No one really knew how close we stayed over the years. He moved around the country with the band. I went to college. But we always came home for holidays, summers, random weekends here and there, and occasionally we saw each other. But even when we didn't see each other for months, we always were in touch.

I know this is a silly, cliche thing to say, but SS understands me more than any other guy I've met. More than Zach or Todd or any of my serious boyfriends. He's called me out on all the random things that I thought I kept hidden pretty well - how I feel about relationships and what I need - little things that I've finally figured out about myself, he'll bring up and I just think "how did you know that?" He nails everything about me right on the head.

And every time we are together, we have the most intense and just perfect days. THe last time I saw him was Christmas '08. We had breakfast a tiny harbor on the coast and walked along the beach for over an hour. We walked out onto a 1/4 mile long breakwater and just sat and talked about everything. Christmas '08 was when he came out and told me that he's basically felt the exact same things that I have... for the past 8 fucking years.

When we were younger he told me I reminded him of his first girlfriend. And the way he always said that I took it as such an insult like oh great, you hate her now so you'll nevercare about me. For 8 years I had held on to that one kiss of ours, and thought that would be my only memory of SS. A lot has happened since then.

To hear him say those things to me over Christmas, literally broke my heart.

It was like, for 8 years I've wanted ot hear these things, and now you tell me this? NOW when you live on the other fucking side of the country? NOW when you have a fucking girlfriend. WHY in the world would he tlel me these things when he has a girlfriend?



Anyways, we still talk every once in awhile. Normally saying ridiculous things about how I can't get him out of my mind or he'll say something like "you looked stunning last night, just thought you should know."



Today he texted me the following, I was responding the whole time but here are some of the good ones:

I had the longest and most vivid dream last night, about you

It's hard to explain, it was just a day. But I can't shake it

It was like our day in the harbor, but more.

This dream was so real, I feel like I was just with you.

It was so fun, I want another one.

Goodness, I want to see you

Will we ever be in the same city?

I hate that I've never been able to get over him. I feel like I never will. He talks about writing songs about me, and how he can't get my blue eyes out of his mind and how I always look beautiful when he sees me. He has the most contagious smile and the most incredible voice.

I don't even know anymore if he's my type. Like in an ideal world if he were single and in the same city as me, would I be able to date him? He always says that we would, but I don't know. Maybe after so many years of wanting to be with him, I've just grown to love the idea of him.

I don't think so though. I think he really is the love of my life, and will always be that damned bastard who got away.

At least there are a few songs out there that you may or may not hear, that welp, are about me.