wedding rings

I guess I never knew how many people in this god damn city are married. Let me try that again - I never paid attention to how many hot, attractive, intelligent men wear wedding rings. Of course I know that nearly every adult considers, assumes, actually does get married but something fucking magical happens when you graduate college and marriage consumes you. I seriously look at every person I pass on the streets, in the grocery market, in line at Starbucks and think hmmm, I wonder if we will start talking and begin dating and fall in love and get married. I wonder if... you would make a good husband, father to my children? JESUS! I'm 22 and so terribly single yet the only thing I can keep busy with all day is trying to figure out which man, oh, I don't know on this PLANET, I will marry...

Maybe I should try talking to a random guy before I wonder if he'll be able to father my children and live happily ever after.

This is just the start of these rants... I'm telling you, this subject consumes me as of lately. I will go on, and on, and on and on again about how I obsess over this future husband of mine - this future husband that I have not yet met - this future husband, fuck... who says I'll even find a husband? So far not too many guys have wanted to stick around and sort through my issues, to deal with my craziness, to fight the perfect, double personality, Gemini that I am.

Ugh, day 1 of this blog and it just crossed my mind that perhaps this is only going to make me more crazy. I mean, what did I say, hmm 2 hours ago? That I thought 'coming clean' with myself would be a good way to feel sorted out? Explained? Sane? Maybe if I create this space to vent and to think and to write, it will just consume me even more. And by 'it' I mean this constant, terrible, tragic consummation of mine - men. Finding a boyfriend. Wanting a boyfriend. Desperately wanting a boyfriend. Deciding I don't want a boyfriend. No, I certainly don't need a boyfriend. Fuck, maybe single life is good for me...

Oh, and then it all becomes so clear again - I'm on this never ending trip... to find myself. To be honest with myself. To just, be me.